This has been the most challenging post I have written till
date. It is a true reflection of my thoughts and I hope there is something good
for each of us, woman/man, to take away from this post.
A look back at my blog posts, I hadn't written anything for
a long time. I had literally been suffering from a writer's block. Wikipedia describes
it as , " Writer's
block is a
condition, primarily associated with writing, in which an author loses the
ability to produce new work. The condition ranges in difficulty from coming up
with original ideas to being unable to produce a work for years." In my
case it has been almost an year. When I look back at the past year, I now feel
that I had been soul searching more than ever. Maybe it had to do with me
evolving into an adult in the real sense, change of jobs and adjusting to a new
place. But I have learnt a few things over the past year that I would like to
share, especially with women. I couldn't think of a better way to unblock the
writer's block!
#DO NOT ALLOW
YOURSELF TO BE CLASSIFIED IN A PARTICULAR ROLE
What I am trying
to say here is, it is we who understand ourselves the best, so let us not allow
someone to chalk the path for us or classify us into roles. I would have loved
to quote & compare here that a man always remains a man, however it is the
woman whose role changes as she goes thru the different stages in life. But
this comparison would have been very relevant if I were writing this post maybe
15 years ago. Now, women are already breaking the barriers, pushing their
limits, and we ought to do so too. Let us not allow ourselves to be classified,
let our voices be heard & most of all let us retain our individuality. Learn
to speak up, do not care about what others might think about you. Just go out
and do it! Women over think things and sometimes its good but not every time.
Self-esteem CANNOT be determined by what others think of you. Do not be afraid
of being judged.
#ESTABLISH YOUR
INDIVIDUALITY EVEN IN SMALL THINGS THAT YOU DO
Coming back to this
issue of being classified, I am not blaming the other sex that it is they who
classified us into roles. Both women & men are responsible for this. Let me
explain this. For starters, let us take the example of a man courting a woman.
They have their first date at some nice restaurant and as the dinner comes to
an end, the waiter brings the check. What should the woman do? Should she wait
for the man to pay or she whip out her credit card? OF COURSE, she should pay!
Did she not eat? Was she not a part of the dinner? Eventually one of them will
end up paying or she can at least pay her half. The common course of a date is
usually otherwise with very few exceptions. But the point here is, this is the
first step to establishing your individuality. If he ends up being your
boyfriend or more, you don't want to be classified as the high maintenance
girlfriend among his friends, who makes her boyfriend foot all her bills. Please
pay up, do not expect someone else to cover your bills.
#THERE IS NO "SOFT
OPTION" FOR WOMEN
Another example,
to make my point about how women too are responsible for classifying other
women into roles is when women tell other
women about this "soft option" we have as if it is a luxury. The soft
option is to give up your career or something that you love doing to take care
of the family and let the husband be the only breadwinner. Of course, I don't
have a child yet, so I don't have the whole idea of what it takes to rear
children, but I do have some idea. From my point of view there is no soft
option. I have heard of this "soft option" theory from mostly Asian
people. I have heard it from women & men in my family too. I do not want to
hurt or disrespect anyone here, but imagine one day, 20 years from now, you
will realize that life has just passed by you and you have been doing the same
thing over & over again because that was the role you were classified into.
And no one will understand that but you. It is only you who can change the
course of your life, so challenge yourself, the sooner the better.
Having a job or
pursuing a hobby, will open up different doors for you - you will meet new
people, gain more experiences, you will
learn more about yourself too! As long as it is physically possible for you
keep doing what you love than doing something what others or society has chosen
for you. SO, PLEASE STOP "INFORMING" WOMEN THAT THEY HAVE A SOFT
OPTION! Your family will always need you & you should always be there for
them, but that doesn't mean waiting on hand & foot for them. Another aspect
to this issue is, when your partner is the only breadwinner in the family,
imagine how stressful it could be for him/her. If I were the only breadwinner
in my family, I would be freaking out. It only increases the financial risk in
your lives. God forbid if something were to happen to the only breadwinner in
the family, how would you sustain yourself? You should rather mitigate this
risk by finding means to sustain yourself.
#SAY MORE,
APOLOGIZE LESS
Moving on to a
different issue, learn to apologize less. If you are in a meeting, and you want
to give your opinion on something, do not start your sentences with," I am
sorry but I think.....". What are you apologizing for? That's why your
company hired you, that is why they pay you! They want your opinion. You don't
have to be sorry for anything. Also, it happens every so often, that you are
the only woman in a room full of men, especially at work. Do not feel
intimidated by men, they are just men, not alligators. They went to school
& college like you did, and they are just as intelligent a you are, so do
not make them or yourself feel uncomfortable if you find yourself in this
situation.
#DO NOT BE AFRAID
TO ASK FOR MORE
There are still a
lot of workplaces around the globe, that do not pay women equally as they would
pay men or promote women enough or given women in their organization more
responsibility. What do you do in such a situation? You ask for more! When you
push yourself, you also push your boss to give you what you want. It is after
all for you. You are the one who is going to benefit from the potential raise
or promotion, not your boss. Don't sit around waiting for things to happen.
Don't hold back, holding back what you feel will only make you frustrated.
# DO NOT BE
AFRAID OF BEING JUDGED
Sometimes, I have
seen women being labeled by other men & women as being career minded. In
the context of this post, you might think this classification is ok. But it is
not. What makes me tick is the underlying tone when someone tells me I am
career oriented. It is the hint of sarcasm mixed with contempt that is directed
at you because others feel that you are out there to prove yourself instead of
sticking to the more contemporary role of being a wife, mother, sister etc.
Well yes, I am out there to prove myself, just like you are! So lighten up!
Myself & my family are accustomed to a certain standard of living & to
maintain that I have to earn money. So get your judgmental face out of my way.
“There is a special place in hell for women who don't help
other women."
- Madeline Albright
Women's struggles
haven't always been women's only. Of course, us women are & have to be
there for each other and help each other out. But I would also like to
acknowledge the fact that there are & have been a lot of male activists who
have actively championed for women's rights. Let us not forget, our support
system consists of men too. I know some feminists believe in blaming the other
sex for all of women's troubles. And history does show that women have been suppressed
time & again by men. But are we going to sit & dwell on that? Isn't it
time to take charge ourselves and carve our own future? Thank not only the
women but also the men in your life who have believed in you & supported
you. And last but not the least, preach equality and live equally. Chivalry's
almost dead, I thought it was overrated anyway. Learn to open the doors
yourself. Because if tomorrow, there isn't a man around to open the door for
you, are you going to wait outside in the cold?
P.S.:
I would like to recommend a book to all the women out there :
" I Shouldn't be Telling You This" by Kate White. Do read it, it is very realistic, practical & every line in that book will teach you how to tackle problems at work & in life. If you cannot get a hold of a copy of this book, you can listen to her talk here: http://fora.tv/2012/11/07/I_Shouldnt_Be_Telling_You_This_Kate_White_on_Success
